i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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