everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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