Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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