This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
and you fell through a lawn chair
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
