I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
