Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
