I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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