my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize