i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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