I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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