My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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