tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
