There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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