areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
