It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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