I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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