chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
