I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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