I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
