currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
