Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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