I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think people are normalizing furries
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
