You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
