Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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