I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
