How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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