please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
