I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
