I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
