My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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