So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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