New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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