doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize