There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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