Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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