Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
