i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
