she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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