well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
