I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize