My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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