I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
