One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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