Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
