My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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