Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
