I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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