Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
