We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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