i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
They are going to name an STD after you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
