Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
