you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
