I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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