my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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