i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
