omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
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