When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize