I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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