mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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