did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
