Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
